I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
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