why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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