Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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