I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Randomize
