The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
