Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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