I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
