Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize