We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
