Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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