I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
