i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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