I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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