Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
