at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
