the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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