Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
