I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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