I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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