I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
