What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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