So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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