You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
