Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
