Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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