Who did Billy Mays play for?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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