My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
