she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
