I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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