i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
