I'd wear matching sweaters with you
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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