Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
