hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
So vagazzling was a success
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
