We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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