i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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