epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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