I'm lost and stupid without you.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
