so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
