and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
