I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
