Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
