is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
