Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
