I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
