I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
