my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
