he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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