If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize