So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
