Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Randomize
