rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
