My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
