the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
