New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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