omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
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