At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
